What did you just tell me to do?

Orly, Mr. Goldfinch? Well I doubt you've heard of social anxiety, you silly yellow bird.

I don't know about you, but when people tell me to "just relax" it's like going "let's tense it up a notch! BAM!"

Now, this wasn't always the case. Granted I have always been a shy person around people I didn't know very well or at all, but usually it didn't take very long for me to melt my internal ice and, dare I say, ... relax. But now? Oh my god, for. get. it. Throw me in a room full of people [my age] and weather I know them or not i'm as stiff as a board and only adding "really?" or "wow." to a conversation. Oh yea, and that paranoia thing I mentioned in my last post? Really fucking helpful. -.-#

Needless to say, I don't really get out much, and people don't get it. Why, just two days ago I was talking to a friend who was asking probing questions as to why I haven't met anyone new (I recently moved) yet, and the conversation when something like this:

"Have you met anyone new yet?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, you know, I'm awkward and shy and stuff."
"How about just doing stuff where you're around people? You don't have to talk to them, just go to a coffee shop and read a book. And drink your coffee. Why don't you do that?"
"Oh, I don't know... maybe because I'm a nervous wreck."
"Well, just stop being so nervous. Just relax."

Oh, no he di-en't!!! *fingerswivel*

I'm okay with going to the supermarket, or the corner store, or someplace where I'm around people for a minimal amount of time, and I'm doin my thang and they're doin there's, but that coffee shop idea? or going to classes? standing in line? going to work? I have to be there for a long period of time and an exchange of words between me and someone (lasting longer than a "Hey, can you reach that for me? Thanks.") is almost bound to happen (also, I'm hypersensitive to people looking/ staring at me. That really freaks me the fuck out). I probably wouldn't seem that weird right away. Actually, I'd probably be okay to talk with for a while, until I start looking at the person I'm talking to (this happens with strangers and 'friends') through a fish-eye lens and that change in atmospheric pressure happens again.

Sadly, most people tend to take social awkwardness for being stuck up, so they tend to avoid contact with me. If only I had the courage to stand on a table in a crowded room and scream "I DON'T THINK I'M BETTER THAN YOU, I'M JUST SCARED OF YOU!!!" Of course, they could also be avoiding me because I'm talking to myself and don't know it, or I smell bad, or I'm ugly, or I have something on my face, or I'm looking at them like I want to kill them, or....the.........list.............goes...................on.........................................