Rabid Psychosis

Do you see how pretty that is? The bright red of the male cardinal is so brilliant when he's surrounded by pure white snow. I just love the contrast. LOVE it.

My dad likes to feed the birds in the morning and he said that at first he was just feeding cardinals, and then other birds started showing up, like blue jays and the tufted tit mouse, woodpeckers, and even squirrels, and the cardinals stopped coming around. I thought that was weird. They're boldly colored feathers made me think they were an aggressive, arrogant bird and to find out they were meek and shy around other birds was puzzling to me at first. Then I thought of myself. I dye my hair vibrant natural colors and dress sometimes in neons or brights, but I'm very shy, very withdrawn, very introverted.

The cardinal also inspired one of my most disturbing and beautiful daydreams.
I am walking through this open snow covered field at dusk and am making my way to the middle. I'm sad, lonely, and have realized what the world is all about and I don't wish to be a part of if. I want to become a part of the beauty in nature around me and cease to be a creature that aids in the constant destruction and degeneration of the world it needs to survive. Even if I recycle everyday I'm still human and my very presence is like acetone on nail polish. I slice up my arms deep and long and spin around in a circle, leaving my mark. I lay down, and I am taken in by the universe. I hope that the scene I left behind will be seen as I had intended it to be seen. Me becoming what I wanted. The beauty in my destruction is powerful and overwhelming. It is graceful, passionate, angry, profound, moving, and fucking gorgeous. My pale skin was brought out by the red and the red was so bright against the blueish white snow. Yes, I'm dead, but look how pretty it is. It's going to be okay.

You're probably thinking I should bring that up to my therapist, but it wasn't really me fantasizing about killing myself. It was just a short indie film, starring a dead me, floating through my mind. If I could I would post it up here so you could see what I mean, but technology isn't that good yet, and I'm no film maker. But I assure you it was beauty in tragedy at it's best.


(...I bet if it starred Keira Knightly you'd watch it...)