I am totally alone amongst billions of people.

I have no place. I fit nowhere. I am the piece from the wrong puzzle misplaced in the box. I ruin the puzzle.

Inside I am broken. Outside I look nice and pollished. I am the half eaten worm in the apple.

I am the pitty call. You know, the person to go to when no one else is around. The person you know doesn't have anything better to do. The person you wish you didn't have the number to any other day except for this one.

I was once a good friend. I once had good friends. Now, after several suicide attempts and a few drug-induced psychoses later I'm that crazy bitch. People for bad for me because they think I'm crazy. Well, I am. But not how they think. Or am I? I have no idea because no one will tell me. "You've always been paranoid." is the most I've gotten so far.

I know I'm not the only one. I can't be. I can't be... but I'm all alone in my struggle and sometimes.... it's just so hard to keep on moving forward. I literally have no support besides my therapist. How sad is that? Sure, my mom's there, but she's also somewhere esle. My dad's there, but he's really with his girlfriend.

So I have a boyfriend. I've been seeing him for about two months now. He knows nothing about me. We haven't slept together yet. He knows nothing about me. His favorite color is blue. He knows nothing about me. I get dry eyes in air conditioning/ car heaters. I ask for eye drops. He "Doesn't do eye drops." Tonight my asian friend with a hot ass asks for eye drops. He searches his car for fifteen minutes. He finds the eye drops. No one loves me..

I have to pay someone to listen to me. No one will listen to me unless I pay them. And to get to that point I had to try to kill myself. WOW... wow.

...and I was so close this time, I almost made it....

I KNOW that I can't possibly be the only one that feels this way. I know that somewhere out there there's a few someones thinking these exact thoughts that I'm typing. But I don't know those someones. Those someones are probably people I wouldn't fit in with. Because I fit with no one.

....I can't be the only one...........

[emo]stream of consiousness/morning ramblings [karma's a bitch]

I feel like right now is the most vulnerable part of my life. And I hate, HATE, being vulnerable. I fucking hate it. But I'm also pretty naive, so maybe that's why a surprise awaits around the corner of every smile and in the fine print of every understanding (really doesn't help vulnerability). I don't know. I learned a while ago that nothing TRULY is what it seems, and yet I still can't keep from setting expectations of how things should be based on a loose understanding, and then getting disappointed. I need to learn how to see the whole picture and not just the pretty package it comes in (in more than one way). The disappointment, though, isn't in the situation, or the person, or the event, it's in myself. Mostly because I know how I work, I just forget sometimes, and it's frustrating. It's frustrating and it's disappointing. I'm very disappointed and frustrated in myself, and for many things, most of which I've gotten over by now, but I just haven't gotten closure. Maybe that's what I need. Fucking closure. ugh. But, okay, what about the new things that are making me frustrated and disappointed? Like my social life. Really touchy subject for me right now. I feel like I should have made oodles of progress by now, but no. I completely lost all my social skills in a matter of hours (possibly years, but who's keepin' track, eh?), and so I've become more distant. It's hard to reach out to people and keep in touch when I feel like I don't belong (excuse the emo moment). But it's so hard for me to talk about because 1.no one wants to hear it, and 2.as soon as I work up the cojones to say what's on my mind I turn into a stammering idiot and lose my train of thought in a moment of oh-shit-i'm-nervous-ness. And it doesn't help that I keep feeling a tension between people. I don't know, maybe I'm generating that tension. Very possible. Probably goes back to that closure thing. And the most frustrating thing, so far, is that there is absolutely, positively, no one under the sun to blame but myself. Not that I'd feel any better about the whole situation if it was someone else's fault, but who do you yell at? Who do you let your anger and frustrations out on when you basically shat all over yourself? I guess I'm just mentally beating the shit out of myself for being so goddamn naive. I also feel like when I hang out with people, everyone is just like... I don't know how to say it exactly, but I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to do something "crazy" because of my little..umm.. episode? Spasm? I don't know. *sigh* I wish I could find the words to explain it better, but even typing I find myself feeling ashamed and nervous for bringing up the subject at all. But I really can't push it down any further, and goddamnitsonofabitch i need fucking closure o.O. I just feel that no one really wants to talk about it or bring it up, and i've been dancing around the edges of the subject with a select few, but I get that awkward caution-sign-vibe (know what I mean?) that tells me I should just drop it. Maybe it's just my nerves, though. I'm terrible at reading people these days. Heh, wait, was I ever good at reading people? God, I really feel stupid for writing all this right now. Seriously debating erasing the whole thing. But I don't know how longer I can go without expressing those feelings, even though this is a pretty petty and cowardice way, but it's a start, right? Baby-steps? Eh?

And I know, I know, I know I'm not the only twenty-something (or human being for that matter) that feels like this. I know it. That would be impossible.


Well, on a brighter note, it's almost been a year since i've touched any mind-altering substance. I believe it'll be a year innnnnnnn.. uhh... like june or july? Maybe the end of may beginning of june? I'm not keeping track that seriously. I don't see the point in counting the days (that and I have a terrible concept of time). But seriously. When someone has a calender, and they mark off every day since the day they started being sober, doesn't that just make it harder? It's like, everyday they're reminded of the one thing they loved the most in life and can't have because that thing hated them. I don't know, that's just me.

The Brain-Mouth Connection

My mouth and my brain don't seem to want to operate on the same wavelength in certain situations. Whenever I try to say something in class (not too often, but I try) My face gets hot, I feel it change colors, my vocal chords stiffen up making me sound like a man or a little girl, depending on how hard I force the words out, and I stammer and ramble and usually miss my point. *sigh* I try to think of what I'm going to say before I raise my hand, but as soon as the teacher's finger is in my general direction it's kind of like I was dumped into ice water, except I'm not cold and my face is hot. Basically, my point will be over here, with me and the classroom, and what I end up actually saying will wonder off out the door down the hall and into the bathroom. *sigh again* I think most of this is because I get very nervous to begin with, and another part of it is that my voice comes out sounding really weird, making me self-conscience, making me more nervous. :(
I'm really trying to ground myself before classes start and calm my nerves down, but for some reason, whenever I raise my hand all that shtuff flies right out the window. It happens when I need to ask a question, too, even when the class isn't present. Not all questions, just the ones that make me feel stupid for asking (usually when the professor looks at me or talks to me like it's common knowledge). Once I feel the slightest insecurites, my body's in flight mode, but my brain wants to stay and ask more questions. *again with the sigh*

Such internal conflicts.


(img from http://monkbot.files.wordpress.com)

Piktchya Purrfect

I haven't posted since I started school (which wasn't nearly as bad as I'd expected with a few exceptions), and then my computer wanted to blow up, sooooo, I had no means of typing. But it's back now and I've acquired some down time, so let me see, what can I say?

Oh! I know:

It's funny how, I've been going to the same quick check around here for a while, and I see the same workers all the time. This one guy there always just shoo's me away practically after I get my cigs and doesn't give me a second glance. Usually I go in there sans make-up, but my hairs the same. Today I went in with eye liner, mascara, and eye shadow. That's it. Just those three things, and he said "You have a nice day now, little lady, okay?" and a smile and he said good-bye and everything. I was insulted. I knew people cared about looks, but THAT MUCH?? really? It's sickening, really. They need a reality check. People aren't supposed to look perfect 24/7.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

One, two, Freddy's comin' for you

I like to think that the paranoid thoughts aren't true by telling myself that if they were true, someone would tell me... right? Someone would slip up, or someone would feel bad and see that what's happening is wrong, and they'd tell me. This world can't really be completely jam-packed with mean, scary people.... right? SOMEONE would tell me. SOMEONE would come up and say "Hey, girl I know about but never met, you're not crazy, people really are doing that", and I'd feel this huge weight off my shoulders, be really scared, and probably start crying and shaking.
But then I think, What if it's just all the 'wrong' people? What if the people that started this are way organized and only shared with others that they knew for a fact wouldn't tell me. But someone would leak it, right?? Someone would slip up. They'd have to slip up, you can't possibly keep a secret like that without cracking to SOMEONE, to at least one 'right' person. Isn't it impossible that a group of people could keep something like that without slipping up? They're not the Freemasons or some shit like that, right???
And what if it's somewhere on the internet? A cop or a 'right' person would have to find it and do something, right???? Or would it be like that kid that OD'd in front of his web cam, chatting to people while he took one pill at a time and other's encouraged it. He died in front of their eyes and no one stopped it. I think someone did something when he died... but that's way too little, way too late.
One of the scary things, to me, is recalling some statistic or study or something about how people in large groups tend to do less than say, one or two people. The more people that witness something, the less likely someone is to react because they assume that someone else will do it because they're in a crowd full of people. The thing is that almost everyone in that crowd is thinking that someone else will help, and no one gets helped. The most famous case is that of a woman running up and down her street, getting stabbed to death while her neighbors watched.
This gives me little hope.
The other thing that makes me feel like people 'know' is how they look at me. It's not that they look at me, it's how. I can't seem to escape the three-headed look no matter where I go, I get it from at least one person. Do I speak gibberish? Do I actually have three heads? What the fuck. I try to ignore it, but at the end of the day, it does get to me. I just want proof, damn it. Just some solid evidence that I'm not crazy, or that I am just paranoid. Just some fucking proof, damn it. I don't think my mind can last much longer if it keeps thinking the things it thinks. Granted I've been way better, (I can actually get some sleep and I don't sleep with a knife next to me anymore) but it still comes back, and eats up my nerves.

(sorry for the wiki links, I'm in a hurry, maybe I'll get better sources later)

Trail of Death O.O

So, I went to a State Park the other day to go for a walk. I'm not really too familiar with it, so I was basically kind of just wandering around and following the paths of packed down snow and footprints when I came to a cross-roads of trails. I crossed over a narrow bridge, and before me was an open area. I could turn left (which I now know would have taken me way out of the way), go straight but bear left (which I now know leads nowhere in the winter), or I could go straight and bear right (which I did). So being a righty I instinctively thought the one on the right looked cooler, and walked across the field thing to get to the bridge leading to the path.

I start walking the hill and not even half-way up I notice that the path is going from packed down snow to straight up ice, but I figured I could have some fun on my way back down, so I kept to the sides where the snow was still making traction and walked until a down tree prevented me from going and farther. I really didn't want to stop there, so I looked around for signs of another trail, and whaddaya know? There's a downhil side path that looks like it leads to a pretty cool spot, so I take it.

It lead to a nice little clearing (literally there was a circle of dried leaves that looked as if no snow had touched them yet) and it was right at the water's edge. I sat on some rocks, tried to go out on the water (ice wasn't that hard yet) and noticed some kid wrote his name in pee, very girly handwriting I might add (yea, I probably don't wanna know). And then I saw a large, pentagonal, seemingly fresh (I'm no expert) paw print and decided I should probably leave.

I started back up to the main trail, when I saw some feathers in the snow. They were pretty, some a dark grey with white spots and some were white with horizontal black stripes at the tips. I bent down to get a closer look, and maybe take some feathers home with me, when I realized this wasn't just some bird's fallen out feathers, but it was a death-zone. A tiny foot poked up out from under the snow, and a rotted little half of a bird skull lay next to my hand. I instantly felt sick. I was just playing with a dead thing, basically and it was really effing gross, and I felt like I was discrasing it. Mind you, this bird had been dead for quite some time, and there were no organs to be seen. All that was left of this little guy was a head, some feathers and a tiny frozen foot.

I immediately got up and started quickly to the main trail. I started walking down and was getting ready to try to slide all the way down, when, maybe 35-45 feet from the side trail, I noticed some blood. Definately fresh blood, as it definately wasn't there before. Ho-lee shit. I bent down to see if maybe, possibly it could just have been fruit punch or something, but, no. It was blood. So, I bent down to further inspect and there were chunks of coarse, and I mean COARSE, shortish white hair all over. I picked up a hair trying to see what kind of animal it was. Me being niave, I'm thinking "Oh, poor animal, must have gotten hurt on some ice or a frozen branch or something... maybe I can find it and help it!" I start trying to follow the bloody trail when, I guess I got too close or something... and I heard the creepies, spine-tinglyest growl I have ever heard in my life. Oh, and guess what was in the blood besieds the fur? Those really big paw prints I mentioned earlier.

My eyes widened, my heart pounded, my movements became spastic in fear, and a crow flew over my head cawing his ass for a few seconds. I started to run but, shit! This path is all ice!! I tried to run on the sides the same way I walked up, but there were lots of tree branches and tops in the way from a previous ice storm that sent most plant-life into suicide mode. I was easy prey. I knew it. I was scared.

Well, obviously I made it out alive. I emerged from the path unscathed and just a smidge shaken. As I walked out an elderly woman was walking in. I pulled my sunglasses to the top of my head and said "Hi, um, I think I just heard an animal in there, so be careful" She looked at me and my aparent two extra heads and said "..O...Ok.." and I replied with "No, really, I heard growling, just watch out." "OK, .. thanks.." and I left.

GOD, WHY DO I HAVE TO FIND THE TRAIL OF DEATH MY FIRST TIME EVER EXPLORING A NEW TRAIL BY MYSELF??? HUH??


I came back and told my dad who said It could have been a cougar or a mountain lion or something, and then said "I never see anything like that :("


*sigh*

Lil' Miss Sunshine

I haven't been updating this as often as I hoped I would. It's weird, when I'm feeling happy and upbeat I'm not inspired to write. I feel like maybe people wouldn't be as interested in reading positive stuff, I guess, but at the same time, I wonder who wants to read me whine 24/7? I would also like to let people know that, well, depression and mental illness can be overcome, and what kind of example am I to just post when I feel like spreading my misery around in a big ol' misery flavored soup (ew...)????

Well, I hope you're happy to know that this week has been going pretty well. I have a much more positive outlook and I even registered for school! I've been going to therapy regularly and trying to asses myself, and *gasp* I've even been more... dare I say... relaxed around people. WOAAHH!! Things are looking pretty good right now. :)

I really don't want to jinx it, though. Many-a-time I've felt like this, only to be shot down harder than a Thanksgiving turkey. I guess it's kinda like coming down off some really good shit. You feel great, you're high (in this case on life) and you feel like things just couldn't be better! And then you start to come down (something bad happens, car accident, broken bone, people are dicks, etc..) and you feel it more than you normally would because of how fucking good you just felt, out of nowhere, for a seemingly long time. Then it's like "Shit, I forgot that life sucks..." BUT!! I know this now, and I have more knowledge of myself, so hopefully when the hard times come back a knocking, I'll be there to answer the door, let 'em in, give 'em some coffee or whatever the fuck it is they want, and send 'em on their creepy, sad little way, and then continue my get-together with happiness, who was waiting patiently on the couch the whole time. ^.^

Cocaine and Tupees

So, I saw some of my old friends today and yesterday, and surprisingly I wasn't all that nervous. I wasn't completely calm, but I was pretty damn calm, for me anyways. I talked, joked, had a good time. It was fun. I'm glad that I'm starting to come out of my shell.... again. Today before I went out I must admit I was really nervous about going, but I was sitting on my bed and I thought "wait, why am I nervous? Being nervous before-hand makes it worse, and plus, they're probably more scared of me than I am of them...", and it totally helped me. Yes, I did still have some pretty awkward moments of awkwardness/silence, but for the most part, I was good. :) I'm very proud of myself.

One thing that bothered me, though, was the fact that my one friend has lost a lot of weight. She was already skinny to begin with, maybe a tad fuller than me, and she's now a size 0. She's cocaine skinny, complete with the pale skin and faded bags under the eyes. I could be wrong, though, maybe she just started eating healthy and exercising a lot, and maybe she didn't get that much sleep the night before, but... I don't know. I know first hand what a coke diet does to the body and face. But a lack of food and sleep kinda looks the same, too. I really hope it's not drugs, even if it's "just to lose weight" because 5 pounds turns into "weeeelll, maybe 10" real fast, and then 10 turns to 25 and then 25 turns to dead. Just the facts, man.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! :D

WOOOOOOH! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

Unfortunately I'm pretty much spending it alone. I came down to my mother's house so she wouldn't be alone, but she's been spending most of the night in her room....
I could have gone to a party a few blocks away from me, but frankly it would just be awkward. I haven't seen the people in a long time, and I've developed somewhat of a bad rep. First I was the drug-addict, then the drug-addict-slut, then the crazy person. Also, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in a room full of drunks and stay sober. I've done well thus far, but I don't know if my will power is that good, yet.
I wasn't really invited anyway. I got some last minute you-can-come-if-you-wants so that would just make it all the more awkward. You know when people say that they don't really want you there, they just feel bad for you or something. I did get one legit invite to the same party from one kid, but it's not his house... soooooooo, yea.

Also, it's my birthday.... I turned 20 just after midnight. Go me.

Gosh, I'm pathetic, no?

Well, on the plus side, I didn't cry this year. I've broken the tradition!! The first time I cried on my birthday was the first birthday without my father around. I didn't realize that's why at first, but every year after that, at midnight, I would just start bawling and go sit in a bathtub or something weird. I think it also had to do with the fact that I hate the idea of getting older, and each year I inevitably do. And I've never had anyone to kiss on New Year, either. I would be the only one screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" while everyone else was hugging and kissing. I felt like that Van Gogh painting, Irises.

*sigh* Well hopefully this year will be better than the last, even if just a smidge. I'm going to be starting school soon, and hopefully crawling out of my funk. I am hopeful... hopefully I'll stay that way. And I hope everyone has a happy New Year and good luck in '09