[emo]stream of consiousness/morning ramblings [karma's a bitch]

I feel like right now is the most vulnerable part of my life. And I hate, HATE, being vulnerable. I fucking hate it. But I'm also pretty naive, so maybe that's why a surprise awaits around the corner of every smile and in the fine print of every understanding (really doesn't help vulnerability). I don't know. I learned a while ago that nothing TRULY is what it seems, and yet I still can't keep from setting expectations of how things should be based on a loose understanding, and then getting disappointed. I need to learn how to see the whole picture and not just the pretty package it comes in (in more than one way). The disappointment, though, isn't in the situation, or the person, or the event, it's in myself. Mostly because I know how I work, I just forget sometimes, and it's frustrating. It's frustrating and it's disappointing. I'm very disappointed and frustrated in myself, and for many things, most of which I've gotten over by now, but I just haven't gotten closure. Maybe that's what I need. Fucking closure. ugh. But, okay, what about the new things that are making me frustrated and disappointed? Like my social life. Really touchy subject for me right now. I feel like I should have made oodles of progress by now, but no. I completely lost all my social skills in a matter of hours (possibly years, but who's keepin' track, eh?), and so I've become more distant. It's hard to reach out to people and keep in touch when I feel like I don't belong (excuse the emo moment). But it's so hard for me to talk about because 1.no one wants to hear it, and 2.as soon as I work up the cojones to say what's on my mind I turn into a stammering idiot and lose my train of thought in a moment of oh-shit-i'm-nervous-ness. And it doesn't help that I keep feeling a tension between people. I don't know, maybe I'm generating that tension. Very possible. Probably goes back to that closure thing. And the most frustrating thing, so far, is that there is absolutely, positively, no one under the sun to blame but myself. Not that I'd feel any better about the whole situation if it was someone else's fault, but who do you yell at? Who do you let your anger and frustrations out on when you basically shat all over yourself? I guess I'm just mentally beating the shit out of myself for being so goddamn naive. I also feel like when I hang out with people, everyone is just like... I don't know how to say it exactly, but I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to do something "crazy" because of my little..umm.. episode? Spasm? I don't know. *sigh* I wish I could find the words to explain it better, but even typing I find myself feeling ashamed and nervous for bringing up the subject at all. But I really can't push it down any further, and goddamnitsonofabitch i need fucking closure o.O. I just feel that no one really wants to talk about it or bring it up, and i've been dancing around the edges of the subject with a select few, but I get that awkward caution-sign-vibe (know what I mean?) that tells me I should just drop it. Maybe it's just my nerves, though. I'm terrible at reading people these days. Heh, wait, was I ever good at reading people? God, I really feel stupid for writing all this right now. Seriously debating erasing the whole thing. But I don't know how longer I can go without expressing those feelings, even though this is a pretty petty and cowardice way, but it's a start, right? Baby-steps? Eh?

And I know, I know, I know I'm not the only twenty-something (or human being for that matter) that feels like this. I know it. That would be impossible.


Well, on a brighter note, it's almost been a year since i've touched any mind-altering substance. I believe it'll be a year innnnnnnn.. uhh... like june or july? Maybe the end of may beginning of june? I'm not keeping track that seriously. I don't see the point in counting the days (that and I have a terrible concept of time). But seriously. When someone has a calender, and they mark off every day since the day they started being sober, doesn't that just make it harder? It's like, everyday they're reminded of the one thing they loved the most in life and can't have because that thing hated them. I don't know, that's just me.