I'm going to die alone.



That is all..

fruitless hopes

I am 21 years old. I've had 3 boyfriends (I think) since I've turned 21. I'm about to be 22 in January. WHY THE FUCK AM I SINGLE NOW?? I've actually found some one I like. By that I mean some one I enjoy talking to, listening to, being around, and that I can imagine spending long periods of time with. Yet, I can't express that towards this person. He makes me happy when I get a text, a call, a facebook notification, and yet, I become paper thin around him. I become way too nervous to interact like a human, so I turn myself into a mannequin, which I know that no one likes... so why, when I ACTUALLY have feelings of 'love' or compassion towards someone, can't I express them as freely as my feelings of lust?

OMG, am I an alcoholic slut???.... shit. I express myself more freely under the influence, yes, but..... *sigh* ... is that preventing me from true love?-- must I be drunk to tell this man how I feel? I want HIM to tell me how he feels first!!!!!!!!! Is that wrong? What if he's thinking the same about me?? Wait.. why would he think the same about me? .. I'm a loser, I only know minor details about things that I aspire to turn my career towards and bits of trivia I overhear or read about on StumbleUpon. I have nothing to offer anybody.

I am a nobody.

A loser.

A random blogger.

Who is hopefully anonymous.

With no life.

Hopes...

...But they must be fruitless.

ugh. It's 1:39 in the morning and I'm watching Lord of the Flies. GREAT MOVIE! Awesome book!!

i was texted by three people today. Called by two. I feel lonely. I've done nothing productive. I've done nothing social. How did I snap back to anti-sociality overnight?? :(

Hey! I'm back.... -.-' no one reads this blog but whatever here I go.

I stopped writing because I thought I was "fixed". Well I'm not. I'm 21, I live with my mom, I lost my job because someone was sexually harassing me, then I lost my other job because my ex-boyfriend hired me and he is and always has been a psycho, I procrastinated too long on signing up for college this semester, I'm cramping like a motherfucker, my "bff" hates me because of something I didn't do and other reasons I'll never understand, my other bff hasn't returned my happy birthday wishes, my 'new friends' don't understand me because I swing off the charts with my BPD and Bi-Polar disorder and I feel like the whole world is against me. I want to die. Anyone got any Xanax?? .. ugh, bad [inside] joke... I've been a vegetarian, a vegetarian that only eats 'humanely certified meat', a HOLY SHIT IT'S COLD OUT AND I'M TURNING PURPLE I'M EATING MEAT AGAIN in the winter, an aspiring Buddhist, a college student, a telemarketer, a wtf I'm too angry to be Buddhist, a bad daughter and in turn, a good one, a goth, a punk, a freak, a bad friend, a great friend, an artsy-fartsy indie girl who doesn't take anyone's shit, just a girl who doesn't take anyone's shit, a meek mouse who doesn't take anyone's shit but very passive-aggressively, back to where I am now (a raw bitch with no regards to anyone's feelings throwing a pity-party because no one understands me... WAAHHH! :'( )
I can't find a stable relationship and when I do, I find any method I can think of to make it unstable. I haven't been going to therapy. And I'm a little tipsy.

HOW DID I GET HERE!?!?!?!


For some reason, though I feel compelled to continue this half-dead (or maybe fully dead, just humor me here) blog.

I was reading my past posts and GAWD I'm bipolar. One day it's mope, the next it's BE POSITIVE GUYS! .... I'll try to be more consistent from now on, but I can't promise anything, though, as I write it as I feels it.